The myth of the pregnancy glow - where did it go?
I'm back, and I've made it to the 3rd and final trimester, now that calls for fecking party in my books - shame it's the last thing I feel like! So I'm 26 weeks sick, ehm pregnant, and counting down! In fairness I am enjoying it more now than the first 17 weeks of the appropriately named "death zone" but it's just NOT the pregnancy journey I was hoping for.
I thought I would have that 'glow' everyone talks about (talking of which, I've changed the TV channel on more than one occasion to save myself the agony of looking at that fucking gorgeously pregnant weather presenter!), to feel an immediate bond with the little one (now lovingly nicknamed "parasite'') growing inside of me and still have lots of time to enjoy doing the things I love. The gym? I spewed walking to the kitchen; the gym will have to wait. And as for my bike... my other half suggested I sell it the other day! He had a point but NO, no way batman!
I've got Hyperemesis Gravidarum, generally described as "unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids". Describe it as you like, its hell. Basically involving vomit, more vomit and in case you thought you were done - some more vomit! I've vomited bile until my throat bled, it's come out my nose on more than one occasion and as for managing to not pee myself at the same time... now that really is a good day!
In the thick of it, I lay deadly still in my bedroom, lights off, curtains closed, fan going, swearing at every fucking car that drove past. My senses were overloaded and every movement, sound and ray of light made me throw up. I lost more than 5% of my bodyweight and yes, I tried ginger and dry crackers, yes I tried to eat little and often but this isn't morning sickness and even if it was - there is nothing 'morning' about it.
After a few visits to the medical centre for IV fluids, I decided just to take the anti-nausea meds. They work, you just have to weigh up which you prefer; vomiting or constipation (a decision I honestly hadn't thought about having to make, silly me!). BUT, they are the only things to get me through an average day. I bloody hated the idea of taking meds while growing a little one, but they've kept me out of hospital and the vomiting mostly under control meaning our little girl is doing ok. Did I mention we're having a girl?? I didn't think I'd want to find out the sex of our little one but something, anything to help me feel a little more connected to her is worth it in my books!
I've tried to think about all the good things that pregnancy brings. Like a baby... but that's where I stopped. Don't get me wrong, I AM grateful and I know it'll all be worth it when this little lady arrives but the ride sure isn't all it's cracked up to be and I surely can't be the only one who thinks that! Everything smells, social events are a huge effort, I eat whatever will stay down and don't exercise (well, not what I would call exercise anyway). The non-pregnant version of me is disgusted at myself but another huge part of me is proud; proud of myself for getting through it.
It's huge but unless you've been through it, it's impossible to imagine and I don't expect you to but I can thank you. To everyone who has stuck by me; walking my dog, bringing me exactly the food I was craving without judgement, understanding and not firing me when I had weeks on end off work, bringing home made meals round for my other half, sending texts and popping in despite my lack of reply or enthusiasm, sending care parcels in the mail, driving me to hospital and dr's appointments and holding my hair back as I vomit just one more time; I am SO grateful, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
I am getting there – three months to go, I know it will end and in that respect I'm lucky. I can't wait to meet our little lady.